Why Chickens Cross Roads
A collection of views
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken
which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear,
for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian
virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within
the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally
valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium
from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to
cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously
brought such occurrences into being.
Sigmund Freud: As an expression of the repressed desire to have sex with its
mother. The road symbolizes the barrier presented by the cultural taboo.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into
the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Bruce Willis: Why doesn't someone ask the f***in' chicken?
Mohammed: Because the road wouldn't cross the chicken.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on,
but it was moving very fast.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events
to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with
the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Edward O. Wilson: Under the influence of a road-crossing gene, selected because
it conferred a survival advantage in the chicken's ancestral line. We could
conjecture, for example, that crossing roads represents the transfer of a behavioral
trait whereby some chickens sought to distance themselves from rivals, thereby
distinguishing them in the eyes of potential mates and increasing their reproductive
Sir Edmund Hillary: Because it was there.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: Well,...................
W.C. Fields: To get another drink.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation,
so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Walt Whitman: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its sinuous legs
sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of the silently watching
hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for their exquisite
comrade. The dark courage of the chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon
jade at midnight, struck by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds.
One of the deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no
more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero, whose wine
blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.
Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal,
lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he
was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family.
Camus: The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really upset him,
as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he crossed just because the
sun got in his eyes.
Lord Nelson: I see no chicken.
The Duke of Wellington: The road was crossed on the laying fields of Eton.
General Custer: "RIGHT NOW! . . . YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT CHICKENS?"
John Wayne: 'Cause a chicken's gotta do what a chicken's gotta do.
Tell me where lies fancy's egg,
In the breast or in the leg?
Douglas MacArthur: In order to return.
Richard Nixon: This isn't about roads and chickens. I don't think you quite
understand that what you believe I may have meant isn't what you think I said.
Hillary Clinton: I don't remember. . . . I don't recall. . . . I have no recollection
of that information.
Book of Genesis:
God said, "Let there be chicken";
Then God said, "Let there be road";
and there was road.
And God commanded, "Let the one be taken to the far
side thereof." And it was done.
And God looked upon His work and saw that it was good.
Sirs William Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan:
To verify through measurement and research explorational,
Asserted widths and properties of highways transportational.
And thus through brain and intellect did prove itself, this animal,
To be the very model of a modern chicken-general.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free
to cross roads without having their motives called into question
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why chickens crossed roads. Someone told
us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
[After the above was posted, somebody wrote to tell me that the real reason why chickens cross roads is to prove to the opossum that it could be done.
Or, as Mark Twain used to say, "Maybe so. I dunno." ]