A new menace to the planet has been discovered and validated by a consensus of politically reliable scientists:
Anthropogenic Continental Drift (ACD) will result in catastrophic damage and untold suffering, unless immediate indemnity
payments from the United Sates, Europe, and Australia be made to the governments of non-industrial nations, to counteract
this man-made threat to the world's habitats.
"The potential for damage is truly catastrophic," said Hans Brinker, a spokesman for the International Panel on Continental
Drift (IPCD). "The continents are adrift due to the ruthless capitalist exploitation of the environment for profit. Unless
immediate steps are taken to halt all oil and mineral extraction, we can expect a massive surge in earthquakes and volcanos
by next Tuesday."
"Due to the wanton recklessness of these industrialized nations, life on earth faces both rising and falling seas as North
America plows toward Asia," explained IPCD-approved geophysicist Naseem Passapotapissalong of Indonesia. "What's more,
millions of polar bears will be subject to drowning as the continent drifts away from them."
This widening of the Atlantic is taking place at an astounding rate, according to indisputable IPCD scientific data. Today
it costs almost a third again as much to fly an Air France jet from New York to Paris than it did in 1997, a clear indicator
that the ocean has indeed increased in size in the past decade.
Hat tip to my good friend Toren Smith for the input.