Q. What's Black and White and Tells Bad Jokes?
A. A PunguinPeople who work with words are notorious punsters. This includes readers as well as writers. I'm regularly assailed by awful examples in my mail, sent by otherwise sane and amicable fans. Here, for the pachydermous, are a few that I've concocted for retaliation over the years.
PADDY ON SAFARIPaddy decides he'll give this big game hunting business a try and have something new to impress his friends with. So he equips himself with the togs and the gear, travels out to Africa and hires a guide, and sets out on the Safari trails. But the first time he finds himself facing a charging lion, he panics, grabs the elephant gun by mistake, and blows the lion's head off. However, after all the expense and the bragging, he's not about to go home empty-handed. So he has the lion's rear end crated and shipped back to Ireland, and mounts that on a shield in his library instead.
But his friends weren't very impressed at all. So the whole venture turned out to be something of a disaster. In fact, you could say it was a "big-cat-ass-trophy."
PETER PAN REMAKEDid you hear? They're going to do a remake of Peter Pan--but this time, restoring it to the original version, with the sisters in. . . . What do you mean, what sisters? Didn't you know that in the original story, Peter's mother had a couple of sisters? . . . You didn't? . . . Sure, they lived together and kept cage birds. In fact, Gilbert and Sullivan produced a whole show about just the birds. It was called "The Parrots of Pan's Aunts."
AND A SPY SERIESAbout a German secret agent in Moscow at the time of World War 1, who tries to impersonate the Russian ruler. But he gets caught when his facial blemishes give him away. It's called, "Tsar Warts."
However, in the sequel he escapes and gets back to Germany disguised as a tuba player, on a three-wheeled cycle. The sequel is called, "The Oompah-er Trikes Back."
TO MAKE YOU WEEP AND WHALEQ. How do you find out how heavy Moby Dick is?
A. Take him to a whale weigh station
They've found the proof that whales evolved from land mammals.
Footmarks in the sand, where the ancestors went back into the ocean. They're called the "prints of whales."
AND FOR THE NOSTALGICQ. What's the favorite old-time refrain of a vampire with a breast fetish?
A. "Fangs for the mammary."
Now, perhaps the seasonal lunacy won't seem so bad. Nice holidays to all.